This will probably be my most personal and upfront post to date. When I decided to write about the topic of depression and post partum depression it was a week after Mental Health Awareness week. However I put off writing about it because I didn’t know how to get the words out and explain how I was feeling.
Post partum depression is a type of depression that affects both men and women. PPD is unlike the baby blues as it goes on for longer. After giving birth to Logan I experienced the baby blues which was completely common, however as the months went on I noticed I was still feeling low in myself.
Every month, my health visitor would come round and check up on me and Logan and see how we were getting on. Usually I am the type of person that does not like to admit when I am down or struggling, however my health visitor helped me open up to admit how I was feeling. Every single visit she would make me fill out a questionnaire called the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale, which had ten questions and I had to pick how I was feeling over the last seven days, now there isn’t a right or wrong answer its just used to determine how the parent is feeling. Every week was different, some weeks I was feeling on cloud nine and other weeks I was extremely low not wanting to leave the house. The first time I did the EPDS, my HV sat down with me and asked me what was making me feel this way; I felt I went back to work way too early, I was missing Logan whilst I was at work, I hated where we moved to – as much Chelmsford is a lovely area, I was too far from family and friends and felt isolated, and lastly as much as I love my partner and he is the world’s best dad to Logan he wasn’t being as supportive and helpful as I would have liked him to be.
Currently at the moment I am feeling good in myself, I got a conditional offer from an university in Essex and I recently passed my assistant swim coach qualification. However over the last few weeks Logan has been teething really badly and having nappy rash and not being his overall normal self and its killing me ( I wish someone would have told me how bad a parent feels when their child is teething) and also we’ve now moved from Chelmsford to Hornchurch, I am now considerably closer to family and friends however the moving process with a baby is something I don’t plan to go through again until Logan is older!
So a quick update, Logan is now five months and I have officially been working for two months. At first, I thought going back to work was a good idea but now I am regretting it. A hour of driving to drop Logan off to his babysitter, a hour to drive to work. Working around 2.5 – 3 hours then driving to pick Logan up and then driving home. The last few months have not been easy, not only have I been sleep deprived, I have been physically and mentally exhausted trying to cope with everything. So fellow working mums, when does it get easier?
As I am writing this post I can’t tell whether its a massive rant complaining about motherhood or keeping my readers updated with Logan’s milestones. Aside from the tiredness, seeing how Logan has changed over the many weeks has been incredible; from rolling on his front to his back, now rolling on his back to his front, attempting to crawl and using his knees, smiling and laughing 24/7 and most importantly being weaned.
Now I know you are supposed to start weaning at six months as recommended by the NHS, but we started when Logan was four months (approx. 17 weeks). Logan was always interested in our food, whether it was watching us like a hawk whilst we eat or trying to reach up and grab food off our plate. We started off with vegetables as recommended like carrots, peas and broccoli. For the last weeks I had been buying HIPP organic jars and Ella’s Kitchen pouches which have been on offer in Tesco’s. What I love about the jars and pouches is just the convenience of being able to use them and take them on the go. My partner did purchase a Tommee Tippee baby steamer and blender which I used for the first time at the weekend. It was easy and straight forward to use and has helpful booklets with recipes, and how long to steam and blend fruits and vegetables.
I’ve tried on about three attempts to try and write this blog and each time I’ve been stopped or distracted. When I originally wanted to write this blog Logan was almost two months, and now he’s almost three! (However time has felt like it has been dragging). But a quick update nonetheless; Logan is steadily putting on weight, at his eight week check up he weighed 12lb2oz and was wearing size 2 nappies, he’s now currently wearing size 3.
At first I found newborns to be quite boring – sorry Logan – all they do is poop, eat and sleep (what a life eh!), however the real fun started when Logan was seven weeks and have me a cheeky gumless smile (and no it was NOT wind!). He started doing it more often and the next day he woke my partner and I up by babbling, gurgling, cooing and giggling at 9:30am. This went on for about 45 minutes to a hour whilst the beau and I responded back. I’m pretty sure our neighbour downstairs thought we might have pigeons in our flat with the amount of noise that was going on.
Of course a pivotal moment in a baby’s life is their immunisations that happen at eight weeks, twelve weeks, sixteen weeks and when they turn one years old. At eight weeks Logan had his 5-in-1, PCV, Men B vaccine and his oral dose of the Rotavirus vaccine, and boy did he handle it like a champ! He had his Rotavirus vaccine first and then his injections after, and of course he cried and belched – I can’t even classify it as a burp as it was so loud and mature – and then stopped crying much to the nurses surprise.
Now back to this current date, Logan is wearing 3-6 months and is getting longer and longer each day, he’s already top-to-tail in his play-mat and is almost top-to-tail in his carry cot and Moses basket!
I still can’t get over that this time last month, my son made his appearance into the world. Its been a hectic, messy four weeks, I’ve been sick on, pooped on, weed on and sneezed on but I wouldn’t change it for the world.
“Nappies, nappies everywhere, poo and wee flying in the air” (I just made that up). Within bubba’s first few days on the planet, he pooped all over me. How did that happen you ask, between hysterical laughter, well… I was still physically in pain from my labour and decided to change my son on our bed under his changing mat. After taking off his baby gro and vest much to his discomfort as he was crying his heart out, he went silent and then ‘PAAAARP’. A whole load of yellow poop flew out covering me ans the bed and all I could do is smile and look down at my beautiful son, and of course my boyfriend laughed his head off and said “rather you, than me babe”. As the weeks have gone on I’ve learnt when changing my son’s nappy to always have a wipe ready to cover his willy. One day I wasn’t quick enough with the wipe and well you can imagine what happened next.
Something that was definitely a news flash to me was how stressful it is to introduce your newborn to the outside world. Firstly trying to get ready to leave the house was a nightmare, I’m getting ready to leave but suddenly bubba is hungry again and then you have to burp him, and minutes after putting him in his car seat you see him smile and go quiet… yup you’ve guessed it, he’s doing a poo and in fear of not wanting poop everywhere you get him out to change him again. I’ve quickly learnt that trying to leave the house with a newborn requires waking up a hour earlier than scheduled.
Oh the joys of sleepless nights, does it get any better? HA! The most sleep I’ve had consecutively is three hours during one night. Bubba’s sleeping pattern at the moment is two hours asleep, one to one and a half awake which is spent feeding, burping and changing his nappy. However everyday is a different day in the world of a newborn. What they do today is different from what they do tomorrow. Everyone always says “sleep when your baby sleeps” HA! (again) that’s easier said than done! Today my son spent most of the day sleeping so here I am awake writing this blog at 1:30am struggling to keep my eyes open whilst my son attempts to drift off into a deep sleep