The D word continued

 

So following on from my recent blog post, I decided to write another one but go into more depth. Usually a lot of my thought processes and ideas emerge overnight whilst I sleep, so I find it quite difficult to blog sometimes because I can’t remember what my previous ideas were from the night beforehand – I’m still claiming I have baby brain, I don’t care.

The first thing I have to say is what I’m about to write about next is more me complaining about my partner and taking on other mother’s accounts, and I’m in no way bashing the male population. Why on earth do “men” assume that being a mother isn’t a full time job and we have all the time in the world. My partner said to me – and no word of a lie other mothers have said their partners have said the same – “what have you done all day, being a mum isn’t a full time job, I’ve woken up at the crack of dawn and worked 8-9 hours in one day, you get to relax all the time”. Honestly comments like this used to get me down but now I laugh as I’m not the only one who hears this bullshit. Not only am I the one who wakes up during the night to settle Logan, I also spend all day keeping him entertained, feeding and teaching him things, yet apparently I have time to relax. Half the time I don’t even have time to eat breakfast, let alone to relax.

Once Logan was born, my biggest fear was going out and Logan having a public meltdown. Being a new parent is scary, and with an unsettled baby its even more overwhelming. In March for my cousin’s 21st birthday it was the first time I had taken Logan out in public for a family dinner and he wouldn’t stop crying and nothing is more annoying than everyone trying to put in their two pence on what I should do; “maybe he wants breast, don’t bottle-feed him, he’s too hot, maybe he’s tired, he’s teething”. I literally wanted the ground to swallow me whole. Since then the only time I ever left the house was to go the shops and to go to work and I felt bad I was keeping Logan indoors all the time.

A new experience I tried a few weeks ago was baby sensory in Chelmsford. A lot of people have asked me what is baby sensory, and I honestly can’t explain it, but its amazing watching your baby get in touch with their senses and developing. Since attending baby sensory Logan has learnt to sit up by himself, how to crawl properly and how to balance his weight standing up holding onto things.

Looking back on the things I’ve done with Logan, I wish I had done more in his early months regarding going out to baby classes and events, and I’m definitely going to try harder going forward. A lot of people ask me why don’t I go out with Logan, and its honestly so hard to explain to people how some days you just want to sit in your pjs, you don’t want to tidy up, you don’t want to leave the house and yes I understand that it’s unhealthy for my baby and I, but I would appreciate if people would stop asking me if I’ve left my house today, I just don’t want to.

As usual with parenthood, you wish there was a manual for everything from breastfeeding to how to tell why your child is crying. I honestly wish there was a manual for PPD, how do I cope with it, how do I not let it interfere with my daily life, when do I get my energy back?

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The ‘D’ word

This will probably be my most personal and upfront post to date. When I decided to write about the topic of depression and post partum depression it was a week after Mental Health Awareness week. However I put off writing about it because I didn’t know how to get the words out and explain how I was feeling.

Post partum depression is a type of depression that affects both men and women. PPD is unlike the baby blues as it goes on for longer. After giving birth to Logan I experienced the baby blues which was completely common, however as the months went on I noticed I was still feeling low in myself.

Every month, my health visitor would come round and check up on me and Logan and see how we were getting on. Usually I am the type of person that does not like to admit when I am down or struggling, however my health visitor helped me open up to admit how I was feeling. Every single visit she would make me fill out a questionnaire called the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale, which had ten questions and I had to pick how I was feeling over the last seven days, now there isn’t a right or wrong answer its just used to determine how the parent is feeling. Every week was different, some weeks I was feeling on cloud nine and other weeks I was extremely low not wanting to leave the house. The first time I did the EPDS, my HV sat down with me and asked me what was making me feel this way; I felt I went back to work way too early, I was missing Logan whilst I was at work, I hated where we moved to – as much Chelmsford is a lovely area, I was too far from family and friends and felt isolated, and lastly as much as I love my partner and he is the world’s best dad to Logan he wasn’t being as supportive and helpful as I would have liked him to be.

Currently at the moment I am feeling good in myself, I got a conditional offer from an university in Essex and I recently passed my assistant swim coach qualification. However over the last few weeks Logan has been teething really badly and having nappy rash and not being his overall normal self and its killing me ( I wish someone would have told me how bad a parent feels when their child is teething) and also we’ve now moved from Chelmsford to Hornchurch, I am now considerably closer to family and friends however the moving process with a baby is something I don’t plan to go through again until Logan is older!

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